We all know that women are turned off by neediness, but that advice in itself is pretty useless. In fact, most guys can’t help but be needy with women, even if they consciously know it’s bad game.
Which means that they can never truly understand one of the most effective principles in game: Non-Neediness.
But here’s the hard part. Not all non-neediness is created equal. And being non-needy DOESN’T get you results by itself.
Plenty of non-needy guys spend all night at the club not approaching. Plenty of guys have non-needy boring conversations about the weather and that doesn’t work for them either.
Non-neediness by itself DOESN’T work.
You need something else.
You need something I like to call Extreme Non-Neediness.
Let’s start with the story of how I accidentally got laid.
A STORY ABOUT ACCIDENTALLY GETTING LAID
Let’s jump into the game time-machine and take a trip to a Barcelona nightclub on a warm Summer Friday night about a year ago.
I was doing a 1-on-1 with a student who was not having the easiest time.
We walked up to two blasé hot girls that had just walked away from a table. Both with Black hair and a high degree of curviness. One was from Turkey, and one from Italy.
After a mildly difficult open, I easily hit it off with the Turkish girl. A couple minutes later, I ended up taking her for drinks by the dance-floor while my student and his girl stayed behind.
Things were looking good and my girl was really getting into me, even after only meeting 10 minutes earlier. She was eagerly asking me questions about the usual stuff and actively qualifying on little things. I was happy. Life was good.
That didn’t last long.
My student didn’t hit it off with his girl and was ready to approach other sets. Under normal non-bootcamp circumstances, I would have just stayed with my girl and built a stronger connection. Things were looking promising, but not exactly finalized.
Anyway, bootcamp duty called.
I went back to my girl and said: “Hey look, it’s guys night out. I gotta hang with my friend and can’t really hang out with you right now. Let me get your number and I’ll text you later.”
A word-for-word re-enactment of what hot girls say to guys a million times a night. And now the tables had turned.
So guess what happened next:
If you guessed that she didn’t like it and took it as a rejection, you would have been very correct.
She got very upset because the interaction was going amazing and she was invested in me. (We had really only spent 12-13 minutes together).
Alas, I took her number and we parted ways.
I continued the bootcamp. Me and my student approached a couple more sets. The night was still young.
20 minutes later, out of the blue, my girl taps me on the shoulder:
“Why did you ditch me? Just because our friends don’t like each other doesn’t mean we can’t hang out.”
Once again, I pulled the “guys night out card” and left.
ACCIDENTAL GOOD GAME
At that point, me rejecting her wasn’t done on purpose. In my mind, I wasn’t rejecting her. It wasn’t game. I genuinely couldn’t hang with her as I was on the clock.
Funny enough, that in itself was the “game” happening in her mind.
She had been rejected by me. She saw me doing it in a cool and calm way as if I had said things like that to girls all the time. She then saw me talking to other girls, being social, and hanging with my friend.
She saw extreme non-neediness. Where most guys would most likely be annoyingly clingy.
And that made her deeply jealous. Most likely, she thought I was just making up excuses to not hang out with her and that was making her deeply emotional.
And remember, game is about creating emotions.
Maybe 30 minutes after our last encounter, I helped my student pull a girl out of the club. Bootcamp mission accomplished.
And there I was, all alone.
30 seconds later, my girl saw me and immediately opened me. Again.
5 Minutes later I was walking her out of the club and into a taxicab.
The rest you can guess for yourself.
SO UH…WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?
There’s a concept that I always keep in mind infield which I like to call “The Tipping Point”.
And it’s one that I inadvertently took full advantage of in this set.
While I initially had to do a lot of talking when I first met the girl, a lot of “game”, possibly even what some would see as a couple needy moments during the open…once I had her hooked, I slowly took my foot off the game and became more and more laid-back.
I toned down my entire vibe. I let her invest bit by bit. And let time do it’s thing.
And then I hit the tipping point.
There was a certain point in the set where I knew I had to stop gaming almost completely. She was so into me that I knew more game would just come off as weird, unnecessary and way too much. I’d very likely lose the investment I had built up until that point (which is what happens to most guys that can’t help but over-game).
And then I ejected. Which although isn’t a choice I’d recommend all the time…nearly cemented the non-neediness in her eyes.
After that point, by ignoring her and approaching other girls, it just made her even more determined to win me over.
In many ways, SHE was pulling ME at the very end.
Many guys know what the hook point is. The hook point is essentially the point where the girl stops whatever she’s doing and focuses on you.
But the hook point IS NOT the tipping point!
A hook point in many ways, is actually quite a flimsy thing.
Many guys can hook a girl for a minute or two, but can’t keep her interest longer than that. This happens a lot with very high-energy, state-based game by the way.
The tipping point lies solely in how deeply the girl is invested in you. It’s the point where she would be massively disappointed and possibly even distraught if you left (like what happened in my story).
And if you have any goals in your sets, which you should, it should be getting to this point.
One tip on recognizing when you’ve hit the tipping point: She’s actively taking over the conversation and asking you lame personal questions.
That’s maybe the clearest indicator although not always the case.
For me, after doing thousands of sets and pulling hundreds of girls, it becomes more of an unconscious realization.
TOO MUCH GAME — ARE YOU TOO NEEDY?
In game, we’re used to being proactive, and in most situations in game, proactivity is a requirement.
If you don’t approach, girls won’t approach you.
If you don’t handle most of the talking in the first couple minutes, she’ll just think you’re weird or lose interest.
If you don’t actively demonstrate value and get on her emotional radar, you’ll get zero investment from her.
Actively gaming (as most guys think of it) is a requirement. But there’s a certain point where more game is not only going to be completely unnecessary, it’ll very likely kill the set completely. (I see this ALL the time with students).
And once you get to a more advanced level, you can actively recognize the point where actively pushing the girl away and being extremely non-needy is basically the only right move. Ie. The Tipping Point.
Most guys don’t recognize the obvious signs of deep investment. It certainly didn’t come naturally to me.
In fact, most guys actually do the exact opposite. Even when sets are completely on and the girl is massively invested, guys just can’t help chasing the girl even harder.
In effect, the constant validation that girls get from guys is what ends up completely evaporating any investment they might have felt.
Which is truly a funny thing.
Chances are you’ve been hitting this point of deep investment in your sets too. But the need to keep validating the girl is just too strong.
So you keep gaming.
When what you really should be doing is the opposite.
HOW TO GET A GIRL TO CHASE YOU
Guys ask all the time, “How do you get the girl to chase you?”
In my experience, there’s two key ingredients.
Part 1: Get to the point where she is beyond invested.
Part 2: Turn down the game and find ways to display extreme non-neediness.
If it makes sense for the set, actively pushing her away might even be the right thing to do.
More than anything, being aware of your effect on the girl is maybe the single most important thing you can do…even if you outwardly are doing NOTHING.
That’s how you get a girl to PULL YOU.
And in a way, that’s the best style of game.
Matt is an instructor for Todd V. Dating with a specialty in Nightgame and Inner Game.