After two decades as a dating coach who’s worked with thousands of clients, I’ve discovered that the dating world can be boiled down to one core challenge: attracting the women who truly excite you.
I work with two types of guys.
One group struggles to get any attention from women at all.
The other group, while generally successful and confident because of their high-value lifestyles—working out, excelling at their careers, and constantly improving—often find themselves stuck with women who are . . . just okay. Average.
They’re not landing the women who are truly out of their league.
The secret is understanding the difference between superficial value and real value.
Superficial value is the immediate impression you give—an attractive look or a charming smile—but it’s only skin deep.
Real value is what you build over time through genuine interaction, personality, and substance. It’s what distinguishes a fleeting conversation from a lasting connection.
To break through the barrier, you must step outside your comfort zone.
You need to be proactive about going out and talking to women and letting them know you’re interested, all while keeping your own value intact.
When you openly pursue a woman, you risk tilting the perceived balance. You approached her, so you’re showing interest, you’re the “buyer.”
Instead, employ what I call “value adjusters,” like playful teasing (“You and I would not get along”), a willingness to walk away, and a confidence that signals you’re not desperate for validation.
But teases and push-aways are just the start. You can’t sustain the interaction with lines and techniques alone. You have to build a connection.
Ultimately, it’s about creating a buyer-seller dynamic where she is subtly encouraged to sell herself to you.
This means challenging her value, qualifying her on the things she has going for herself (besides her appearance, for example).
You’re the man who is interested but NOT sold.
So how do you become the buyer and not the seller?
First, don’t start qualifying yourself, trying to prove yourself to her. Your assumption should be “I am enough.” If you act this way, you will convey yourself to her this way.
Second, start taking her off her pedestal. Treat her the same way you would anyone else. If she should be teased, tease her. If she should be questioned on an opinion, question her. If she should be called on her bullshit, call her out.
Finally, you need to challenge her to maintain your role as buyer.
This means asking qualifying questions so you can find out what she has going for her aside from her appearance.
You should know what type of woman you’re looking for, and you can ask the types of questions designed to find out if she meets these standards.
Because you know who isn’t won over by a woman just because she’s hot?
Men who date hot women.
This isn’t about playing games for the sake of games—it’s about cultivating the confidence and standards that attract the kind of relationship you deserve.
You have to move from the realm of superficial value to real value so you can get to know the girl on a genuine level while also displaying your value to keep that buyer-seller dynamic.
So get off your ass, put these techniques into practice, and watch as your dating pool expands beyond what you ever thought possible.
-Todd V
