Flirting matters. Period.
In some ways, you can’t even have game without knowing how to flirt.
As a student and teacher of dating for over 18 years now, I have seen students, week in and week out, misapply and misuse the principles of flirting, and it’s probably one of the most common sticking points for guys in the beginning.
They simply don’t know how to get the juices flowing in a conversation. They don’t know how to make it man-to-woman.
They don’t know how to create a premise.
And from a girl’s perspective, talking to a guy that can’t flirt makes her think, “that guy doesn’t get it”.
Perhaps you know who “that guy” is, or maybe you’ve been “that guy” in the past.
Whatever your situation, don’t worry; I can help.
I’m going to clear this grey area up for you here, and I’m going to give you three actionable techniques that you can use today.
But to put first things first, I want to make something clear…
Flirting is not just a line that you use. Flirting is an attitude.
Flirting is not just something you say or do. It is something you embody.
It’s that decision to make the interaction fun and exciting when it could easily fall into the realm of platonic and boring.
It’s that little spontaneous tease you give to a girl that adds a little tension, fun, and curiosity into the conversation.
For example, if I were to say to two friends, “You’re clearly the good girl and you’re the bad girl” in a cocky, playful and fun tone, they would perceive that as clearly flirtatious.
But if I just flat out pointed at a girl and shouted, “You are a bad girl!” in an uncalibrated, aggressive tone (think Borat), that wouldn’t be considered flirtatious for the girl. That would be straight up weird and intimidating for her.
The two lines are verbally very similar, and yet, come from two totally different places. In fact, they communicate entirely different messages altogether.
So the first fundamental rule of flirting is that it is simply an attitude.
Unlock the attitude, and embody a flirtatious way of being, and you’ll find yourself using a lot of the techniques that I’m about to share with you naturally.
In terms of flirtation, one of the easiest and most effective techniques that I use in my game is the push-pull.
“I love you, I hate you”, “you and I aren’t gonna get along” and “you’re kinda cute but I’m not sure about you” are all classic push-pull lines.
But even though push-pulls feel like they’ve been around since the dawn of pick up, there’s a reason why they are so damn effective – I still use them in my own game on almost a daily basis.
In fact, a common trait I’ve seen amongst really advanced guys is that they can do push-pulls effortlessly and pretty much on command. They might not even realize they’re doing it since it’s such a staple of good game.
And the beauty of having the push-pull in your arsenal is that if you are flirting with a girl and she gets a little too validated, too sure that you like her already, then you can give her that negative emotional spike to get her chasing you again.
Or if the conversation is getting a little bland and platonic, you can throw in a push-pull compliment to add in a little more spice and boom! You’re back to a man-to-women conversation.
Essentially, in the back of her mind, she isn’t sure if she can have you or not – and she loves it.
Why? Because you made it fun for her.
You became the challenging guy that she wants to win over instead of the “nice guy” foregone conclusion that she gets bored by.
“It just happened”
Another important thing to note with flirting in general, is that a line must work spontaneously, and it’s not really something you can or should pre-plan.
I see a lot of guys who think they have this magic push-pull line that they think will work perfectly every time.
The only problem is, they get into an interaction with a girl and use the line in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong delivery. It comes off weird and try-hard and the girl starts to find a way to escape the interaction entirely.
She’ll excuse herself with a “Nice to meet ya”. That’s usually a girl’s way of saying “It wasn’t nice to meet ya”.
Flirtation only really works when it’s not try-hard, when it’s playful and when it’s in the moment. In fact, if you deliver a push-pull line with the clear intent for it to work, by the very nature of you having an agenda behind that line, it most likely won’t work.
When you clearly want a reaction and an outcome from the words that you say, the outcome-dependency behind it makes it lose its power. This is the paradox of game that a lot of guys just don’t get. That’s why pick up is really an art and not a linear process.
However, this paradox in game that makes it hard is actually a beautiful thing. (You can check out my thoughts on why you should be glad that game is hard by clicking here).
So I’ll say this one more time just to hammer it home. If your interactions are more spontaneous, aloof and look as if they “just happened”, they hold way more power. The more subtle and unpredictable you can be, the more effective it is.
There’s a classic phrase in game, “don’t say what you can nod, don’t nod what you can wink, don’t wink what you can smile.”
Simply put, less is more.
And that aloofness fundamentally comes from a willingness to walk away. There’s an old saying, “you’re only entitled to the girls that you’re willing to walk away from”.
That willingness to walk away comes from a deeper trust in the process and in the knowingness that you will meet other amazing girls.
Exaggeration – The “You” and “We” Tease
One of the biggest things you can learn in flirting and humor is exaggeration.
One thing that I learned in improv class was a formula for humor:
- Find an unusual thing about someone (e.g “You’re wearing the most white outfit I’ve ever seen”)
- Justify it… which basically means coming up with an explanation (e.g “It’s like you’re Jesus being resurrected or some shit”)
- Exaggerate… ask yourself “If this is true, what else might be true” (e.g “You probably drink holy water, don’t you?”)
Essentially, this formula is known as the “You” tease. It’s a general tease that’s directed to one person, you, which means that on some level, you’re going to be interested in what is said because it is emotionally relevant to you.
But although the “You” tease is a good place to start in terms of getting someone engaged in what you’re saying, it doesn’t get you very far in a man-to-woman interaction.
You need to take it one step further from there. Instead of using just the “You” tease, you can use the “We” tease, where it establishes a man-to-woman frame in the interaction.
For example, “You have the most devilish look on your face. I only go for nice girls though – this is never gonna work.”
In the example above, I tease the girl, I then talk about myself in relation to how I think about her, and then finally talk about how our relationship is going to fail.
The underlying frame: ‘we have a relationship that is destined to fail’, means that our relationship is emotionally relevant and has to exist in the first place. Therefore, in the negative sense, I am creating a premise of a romantic relationship with the girl.
And again, the more subtle you can be about it all, the better.
Finally, with exaggeration, you want to be aware of how much you are teasing and when you are teasing. Ideally, at the beginning of the interaction, you want to be teasing her much more than you would be further on into the interaction because it shows you’re the type of guy who can tease a girl.
Being able to tease a girl in a calibrated, fun way is a clear sign of status and also sub-communicates that you’ve been around other girls before in your life.
But once you’ve established that you can tease, you then don’t need to keep teasing all the time, because it’s not really needed and can even look try-hard.
Similarly, another form of exaggeration is swearing. Sometimes, swearing early on in the interaction can sub-communicate that you’re the type of guy who’s willing to risk offending someone in order to express himself, which shows that you’re somewhat comfortable under potential social pressure.
Finally, we have misinterpretation, and this is probably my favorite techniques of all to add humor, sexual tension, and playfulness to my interactions.
Reason being is that you can misinterpret pretty much anything and turn it into something sexual or frame it as a compliment. It’s also massively effective at passing shit tests!
Say, for example, a girl says to me “you’re too short”, I can misinterpret that and say “too short for what? I think you’re moving a little too fast here” and then I’ve just turned her shit test into the frame of me rejecting her sexual advances.
And again, she can accept the frame or resist the frame, but she knows that there is a premise being set by the misinterpretation.
Now, does this mean that you should use misinterpretation at every chance possible?
That would be weird and try-hard, and comes across like you’re trying to button-push. Remember what I said about flirting being way more powerful when it is spontaneous, in the moment and even unpredictable?
What I do want you to know is that there are opportunities to use misinterpretation in your game at any time, so there is really no excuse to be stuck having bland, platonic, non-sexual conversations that lead to nowhere if you don’t want to.
So, how does one misinterpret statements in a sexual or complimentary way?
Essentially, with statements you make, you can imply certain meanings which are unspoken.
So instead of taking the problem of what she says on the literal level (e.g when she says “you’re too short”), try to find ways to reframe what she says (e.g when you reply “too short for what?”), and find a new meaning that establishes or re-establishes the premise of a man-to-woman interaction (“I think you’re moving a little too fast here”).
If you can shift the interpretation of the conversation, then you are really working with some social wizardry here because you are able to shift platonic, shit-testy or even negative frames from the girl, and then recreate them into a favorable premise.
Ultimately, flirting is one of the most important ways I create “Premise” in my interactions. A critical component of talking to women in a way that actually gets them attracted and invested.
Simply put, you just can’t be truly good with women if you don’t know how to flirt. (This is also true for relationships.)
At the same time, being a truly fun flirt can open doors with women that the average guy has no clue are even there.