Over the past 18 years that I’ve been studying and teaching ‘game’, a lot of material and theory has accumulated. At first it was notebooks full of canned scripts – routines and patterns – designed to take you through the conversation. Then it became a series of principles like ‘state’ and ‘self-amusement’ and ‘sub-communication’ that were intended to express the emotional nuances of the interaction…
For those aspiring to success with women, what this information has created is simply a lot of confusion. I want to cut through the clutter and get to the heart of what really matters.
The short of what really matters? How does the girl view you and what story does she have about the two of you together…
That’s the short of it. Simple, but not entirely actionable.
So on a practical level, how DO you get girls?
The Stages of Effective Game
Until and unless a girl is paying attention to you, there is really nothing you can do.
All the great banter in the world is wasted if she’s not listening. All the social proof in the world is wasted if she’s not looking. You can have the greatest sub-communication in the world, but if there is no communication with her for there to be sub-communication to, your chances are essentially zero.
This is why any decent plan for meeting girls, starts with just that… MEETING them.
The OPEN. Whether from cold-approach, social connections, or online game, unless you have a reliable way to get her attention on you, you really don’t even have a place to start.
The other absolute essential in game, is a means of actually getting a result when a girl is attracted to you.
I see so many students get girls very attracted, only to have the girl walk away and never see them again.
YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW YOU’RE GOING TO CLOSE, and, quite frankly, everything you do should have this in mind. You need a plan. Are you going to take her home the same day, or are you going to take her on a date later? Where are you planning on going eventually? Your place or hers… or somewhere less common? How are you going to ask? Do you have condoms on you? Do you have wine at your place?
The best guys (including myself and my coaches) even take this a step further and have plans for each of the steps before the final step as well.
But failing to plan really is planning to fail.
If all you had was 1 and 2, you’d already be light years ahead of most guys.
Most guys get into few, if any, interactions with attractive girls. And most guys, need a girl to have a crush on them for ages before they do anything about it. Which is why most guys, including super good looking guys or guys with insane careers and money, often have underwhelming sex and dating lives.
(For 18 years, I’ve had students that SHOULD be good with women, but come to me for help. And almost every Immersion has a guy that in theory “has it all”, but comes to me with some major gaping hole in his game.)
So really massive action and desire will take you a long way. You’ll occasionally get girls who are just ‘into’ you. You’ll get “lucky” every once in a while. However, relying on this kind of random process will take a long time to yield results.
The 5 Steps of Game
So how do you transcend what you “should” get and get what you actually want?
You can make the process much better if you actually indicate to a girl that this is a “man to woman” conversation.
Set the Right Premise.
Let’s do a thought experiment. Let’s say your next door neighbor owns a really nice car that you’ve admired for a while… you might admire it from afar, but it’s unlikely you’ll make him an offer. Add a ‘for sale’ sign on the car window, and suddenly you’re inquiring about the terms and maybe even imagine yourself buying it. Until you saw the ‘for sale’ sign, you didn’t even think of buying, even if you did recognize value.
The same is true for most guys in their interactions with women. She may think you’re cool, intelligent, attractive… but until you indicate that you’re on the market, she probably won’t give you any ‘buying signals’.
You need to establish the right context, before any of the other stuff is relevant to her.
The Right Story
At this point you’re already well on your way to success with women… and you’re also as far as most guys ever get, even if they go out and do ‘game’ for years.
That’s because her knowing you’re interested, doesn’t make HER interested.
You need to also convey who you are to her, in a way that she finds attractive. What you need to have is a story, A NARRATIVE IN HER MIND. After she sleeps with you, or gives you her number, or calls you her boyfriend… how is she going to tell the story to her friends? How is she going to tell the story to herself? If the story makes it feel like a win for her, she’ll probably be quite eager to proceed forward. If the story feels like she’s being used, or you’re not a high value guy, then she’s unlikely to want any part of that.
A big prerequisite for her believing a positive narrative, is the process leading up to it. If she doesn’t feel like she’s had to work for you at all, then how can she possibly be special, or different, compared to any other random girl? If you’re so willing to accept her without her having proven herself, how can you possibly be a high value guy? THIS PROCESS OF EVALUATION IS THEREFORE CRITICAL.
The Bottom Line
So these are the key pieces, in a nutshell. If these stages exist, you’re very likely to have success. Without these stages, you’re doomed to random luck at best, and likely failure over the long run.
But how can these be used in a practical way? Well, let me order them a bit differently, and I’ll show you. These ideas are listed above in order of importance, but if we take the bold parts above, and list them in terms of how they occur chronologically in an interaction, we’d be left with.
OPEN – PREMISE – (EVALUATE – NARRATIVE) – CLOSE
When looked at this way, the path forward is clear.
Do you have her attention? If not, open or re-open.
Does she know the right context for the interaction? If not, work on setting a man to woman premise. A premise that creates the right context for the whole interaction.
Does she view you as a win? If not, start working on the narrative, which typically starts by you evaluating her.
And then… when things are going well… you absolutely, positively MUST… close.
The Next Step
Knowing this model gives you an answer to, “What do I do next?” at any point in the interaction. And what you’ll find is that anything that falls into the steps above is critically important (and worthy of focus) and anything that does not, probably isn’t that important.
(And yes, it’s exactly this process that I delve into in my new course, The System.)
The final word: Focus on these simple, yet critical pieces to cut through the clutter and get real results.