Ever see a guy and a girl walk out of a bar together and wonder: “Why the heck did she pick THAT guy?”
Or you have that pretty average friend who’s dating a girl that’s way out of his league. She clearly can do better, guys hit on her all the time, but she’s madly in love with THIS guy for some reason.
Mating choice is a funny thing. And as a dating coach, I’ve seen a lot of crazy stuff in my two decades of doing this.
Some of it is counterintuitive. Some only makes sense when you look deeper.
The truth isn’t always obvious.
But there’s always a reason.
In my experience, even though there are tens of thousands of unique situations, in almost two decades of coaching (and dating myself), I’ve noticed that there are three main reasons why women have sex.
Sex triggers if you will.
Let’s dive in.
SEX TRIGGER #1: VALIDATION
The first sex trigger is validation:
When a girl feels that by sleeping with you, her social status is elevated, and her own value is validated.
She EARNED you. Maybe she even had doubts about whether you would go for her. (The ideal scenario).
By sleeping with you, it confirms her own sense of value and status.
Funny enough, this is in stark contrast to the way most guys treat girls. Most guys put the girl on a pedestal and practically beg her for sex, hoping to ‘get lucky’.
Unfortunately for the girl, that doesn’t feel like much of a win. At best, she’ll feel like she’s giving in.
Getting laid thanks to validation can happen in the wild through external factors like social proof, pre-selection, and other high-status indicators. This is how a lot of “natural” alpha guys get laid. It’s why bottle service exists.
But relying on circumstance is a pretty piss-poor strategy for a lot of reasons. Plenty of successful dudes that in theory are already high value have major issues with women because of a million other mistakes they’re making. These guys usually screw up the simplest things such as pulling or flirting and miss 95% of the opportunities available to them. (I get clients like this ALL the time.)
For the record, external displays of status CAN help, but are by no means a requirement.
This is where good game comes along.
Validation Field Report
I was teaching an immersion program a little bit ago. On one of the nights of the program, I had a student who ended up pulling a girl back to his place. They fooled around and almost ended up having sex, but it didn’t quite happen in the end.
After the sex didn’t happen, out of sheer amusement, the student decided to tell the girl about the program he was on and ended up bringing the girl to the debrief, where she met me.
It was clear to see that in her eyes, she saw me as this leader of men, as this dating guru who is very good with girls. She could see all these guys giving authority to me, including the guy who she’d almost slept with.
Fast forward to the next night, one of my other students met up with the girl and her friends and ended up joining them later in the night. Even though the girl in question was hot, since my student had nearly slept with her the night before, I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. But I started winging her, talking to her and just occupying her above all else.
I messaged my student and asked him if he wanted to come out and meet up with her. Turns out that he’s already in bed with another girl and so he gives me the go-ahead to try and make things happen with the girl I’m with.
From there, things ended up progressing really nicely. The girl ended up completely chasing me, and it was one of the smoothest transitions I’ve ever experienced.
I had to do almost nothing the entire way because the girl had put me on a pedestal and saw me as this super high-value guy.
Because she viewed me as a sex symbol and a leader of men, it made her feel like she was elevating her value by sleeping with me.
And that’s validation in a nutshell.
SEX TRIGGER #2: NARRATIVE
The second sex trigger is ‘narrative’. Narrative is essentially the story a girl tells herself in her head about the two of you together.
Think of it as what the girl would tell her friends about who you are as a person, why she likes you and why you’re such a catch for her. It’s like you went through a romantic comedy together and came out the other side of it as the hero and heroine of the film.
Those odd couples you see where the girl is just madly in love with the guy even though he’s a couple points below her…there’s almost always some story that keeps her glued to him.
On a shorter term level, the narrative you create between you and a girl really comes from having a great interaction together.
So let me give you an example of how I’ve used narrative in my game.
Narrative Field Report
I met a German girl in a bar in Central London, and we spent a looong time together. We explored the venue, spent time getting to know each other and had a fun time within both of our friend groups.
After all that, we had built a lot of connection, intimacy and sexual tension. It was just a very romantic interaction. She was so into me, that she had refused to leave my side.
As time went by, she had decided first emotionally, and then logically, that I was what she wanted to do for the night.
At the end of the night, her friends were actually flying back to Germany, and she was supposed to be flying back with them. They had the expectation that they were all going to leave together, but it was clear that she had other ideas.
So her friends were obviously going a bit crazy, saying “What are you doing? We need to get on the flight!” etc.
She turned around, looked them dead in the eyes and said:
“Listen, I know we have a flight back, but I like this guy, I trust him and I’ve made my decision. You guys go, I’ll find myself another flight. I’m going to stay with Todd.”
After some further arguing with her friends, eventually, they let her stay with me.
That is the strength of narrative.
The reason she stayed was that in her mind, she had made an emotional commitment and a logical decision that I was truly important to her.
The beautiful thing about narrative is it kind of works on its own. So as the relationship develops over time, the narrative between you should get stronger and stronger automatically. (Of course you can always screw it up, lol.)
SEX TRIGGER #3: LAST MAN STANDING
The final sex trigger I want to share is the ‘last man standing’, or as we sometimes so affectionately call it ‘last dick standing’.
A little less romantic of a trigger than validation and narrative, but still very effective.
What it means is that the girl has made a logical decision that she wants to have sex, and you’re the guy there at the end of the night, in the right place at the right time. With there being little to no social downside of the act happening, it may as well be you!
Think of it this way: if you’re an attractive male, and she’s an attractive female, then assuming there aren’t any obstacles in the way, the most natural thing to happen would be to have sex.
Last Man Standing Field Report
I was in a city in North Carolina where I approached a girl at the very end of the night.
The first words out of her mouth were ‘You’re short, that’s a dealbreaker, it’s not gonna happen. You may as well just walk away.’
So not the most promising start!
However, I responded “Oh really? Too short for what? That’s interesting, I’m flattered. Anyway…”
But her coldness didn’t change by my persistence. She replied, “No seriously, you should go.”
After a little more commitment to the interaction on my part, she started opening up to me a bit.
This was again at the end of the night, she was alone, and she was on the way to get some food. She said, “Whatever, I’m just going to get food. Come with me if you want, but I’m not talking to you.”
So funnily enough, she was very harsh and negative to me at the start, but she allowed me to come with her.
In fact, when we did get to the sandwich shop at the end of the street, some other guy came over who she vaguely knew. She started talking and flirting with the other guy over me and it was like I wasn’t even there. Clearly, she liked him way more.
Fortunately for me:
- He clearly didn’t have the game to pull her home and so he didn’t believe it could happen.
- He was probably intimidated by the fact that I was already sitting with her, so he just settled for her number and left.
These two reasons probably frustrated her a lot! (A lesson to beginners).
So she was like “Fuck this, I’m bored and tired. I’m going home.” Fair enough.
From there, I came up with an excuse to get in the taxi with her and told her that I was meeting friends in that area etc.
When we got out of the taxi, she asked: “Aren’t you going to meet your friends?”
I told her that I was messaging them to find out where they were etc. I then asked if I could use her bathroom. She’s like “Ahh fine, whatever.” And lets me walk with her.
I completely expected her to tell me to get lost because up until this point, she had given me nothing positive whatsoever.
We got up to her place, where her bathroom and bedroom were right next to each other. As I was washing my face in the bathroom, I’m thinking to myself ‘Oh fuck. I’m probably going to get kicked out right about now.’
As I walked out of the bathroom and saw into her bedroom, finally I was a little encouraged. She had put her pajamas on. Hmm, this is interesting!
She said: “Okay, you can leave now. Take care. Bye.”
I started to get up and go to leave. But as I’m about to leave, she does something else very interesting…
She goes to her bed, starts laying on it, and she curls up with her butt and back facing outward. She’s in a spooning position.
So she tells me that I should go, but she doesn’t actually wait for me to leave or walk me out of the door. She just lays on her bed all curled up?
So I have no idea what’s about to happen. Is she inviting me to lay with her, or is she genuinely telling to me leave?
I think to myself, ‘Moment of truth. She’s going to kick me out one way or another!’ So I tapped her twice on her side and said: “Hey, scoot over.”
She sleepily says “No.”
Two seconds later, she points to her front and says, “That’s your side.”
Not to say it was straightforward and academic from there, but good things certainly happened.
So that’s a situation where the girl wasn’t giving me that much, and maybe I wasn’t even the most attractive guy to her that she’d met that night…
But I was the guy who was there when it mattered.
I also had provided value by figuring out how to pass her shit-tests, by being persistent without being needy, and so I had at least reached the minimal benchmark of sex-worthiness.
She didn’t like me as much as probably some of the other guys who I had met that night, but she liked me enough, and I was in the right place at the right time.
Oh, and she was really hot by the way, so that was good too!